Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Fade to...Black

When in doubt, quote the classic rock band, Pearl Jam.

All that I am...

1. A graduate school dropout. Yes, that's right. As of today I've officially terminated my enrollment in the Masters of Arts in Mental Health Counseling program. After a grueling semester, I realized that to take three more years of this was not in my, or my family's, best interest. I was okay with the workload, but not the stress load. The commitment weighed so heavily on me, I couldn't just shake it and relax. I know this may sound silly to some, but I no longer had the energy to make my kids' lunches and that REALLY bugged me. It was the little things I couldn't let go of.

After all that, I thought I'd feel a huge relief this morning. To my surprise, I'm REALLY sad. It was something I had started to dream about, and it bugs me that I couldn't get it together enough to continue. Sure other people (I'm not gonna name names, but his name starts with B- and ends in -rady) could have been a little more understanding, and I could have worked through my own issues as well, but I didn't see that happening in the next few months, and as much as they drive me crazy, I really do love my family.

So, I feel like a bit of a failure right now. But, for those of you who know me, I won't be down for long. I'm back to the things I missed the most -- momming, running, and shopping. And, thanks to Anna, my newest venture -- blogging.

2. A little fat. What a crazy year it's been. I went from big to small to the biggest I've ever been, and I didn't even have a baby this year! Earlier in the year I started a weight loss group called Girls with Goals, affectionately known as GG's, and was in the low 130's. At 5'7.25 I consider that pretty good (I used to be 5'7.75, but, thanks to a prayer for a taller husband, I'm shrinking!). It didn't last long, though, because the group ended, we put our house on the market, and I became obsessed with keeping our house in show condition. It was also the summer and I had all three girls (Kelsey 8, Genevieve 4, and Shelley 1) at home. It was a really rough summer, to say the least. Immediately after that, I started graduate school and it's been a whirlwind ever since. Hence, the fat.

3. Crazy. I don't think there's anything wrong with this one. My life certainly isn't dull.

All that I'll be...

1. I've always said that after I graduated I'd start scrapbooking. Well, I graduated from BYU last December and my time came and passed and it still didn't happen. While I think it's a lovely and enviable hobby, the draw just isn't there for me. First and foremost is probably the cost. (I think we can all admit it's gotten a little out of control). Secondly, I just don't have that kind of space. I mean, people devote entire rooms to it!

But, (and mine's a big one) this whole blogging things is ideal -- cost and space efficient. Perfect. I kept a journal growing up that most people will never see, which is probably a good thing considering how many different people I was going to marry. On a blog, you can not only share your journal with a crowd, but you get to peak at other people's, too. Cool.

So, here it is, my very own blog.

2. Skinny, again. Yup, I'm gonna whoop something big and make it small again. Starting next year (well, I can't start yet -- it's the holidays!!) I'll be counting calories and food journaling. I find that works well for me. I like mini goals so here goes: (1) be 155, (2) be in the 140's, (3) be in the 130's, (4) maintain 130-135. Secretly, I'd like to just be in the 120's for a minute or two, but I don't see myself realistically maintaining at that level.

As embarrassing as it is to admit my weight at this point, it is even more embarrassing to be fat and being accountable is a great way to stay motivated. I plan to weigh myself daily and blog my stats at least weekly. I may or may not include my food journal. That may just be too much for me. However, I've been toying with the idea of a photo log so I can see my progress and because I think blogs with pictures are cool. Me in a sports bra may not be so cool right now, but stay tuned boys and girls, it's gonna get hot in here!!

3. A running runner. Once as runner, always a runner -- just sometimes more (or less) of one. I like training for marathons (I've done 2 and trained for 4) because of the structure, goal, and variety. Besides, I can't get enough LSD!! I'll shoot for SLC in April (again), but after this year's last-minute cancellation, I'll be taking it one day at a time. December 17th starts the 18-week program, so I'll be reporting on that one, too.

4. Healthy. I wrote happy and then deleted it. I can't remember a time I was healthy and not happy, but I most certainly can be happy (if not just momentarily) and not healthy. Eating cookies makes me happy, but not healthy, so I'll take the latter.

Anyway, that's who I am and who I'll be (thanks, Eddie). My assessment session is complete. I hope you'll lurk around my blog and comment every now and then.

Happy blogging!


Erin said...

Wow! Look at you blogging? I am not too good at it these days. And definitely not as brave as you to post my weight progress--good for you! Excited to hear from you.

No Where to Run ... said...

I'm proud of you for starting...it's definately going to be a great ride! And I WILL BE HERE for it!! I love your writing style, I am intrigued!!!

No Where to Run ... said...

I'm proud of you for starting...it's definately going to be a great ride! And I WILL BE HERE for it!! I love your writing style, I am intrigued!!!

Liza said...

I agree with Anna you have a great writing style-- in fact if you want accomplish something awesome (which you already have in my book- this would be extra and really cool) I seriously think you could consider writing a book of some sort. I bet you have thought of it- haven't you? You are a talented writer. So if that doesn't make you feel better after dropping out-- which I for one and proud of you for. Proud of you for doing something you knew you had to do but knew would be hard! On the weight subject-- I of course have my own issues with my weight and have discussed them with every commenter on this blog and then many more besides. But whenever I hear others talking about their weight I think - whats the big deal you look good?! No, I admit I haven't seen you but I guarantee that I would say that if I saw you. We are all so hard on ourselves about weight and while most of us can stand to lose a few- we don't look as bad as we think we do-- except for me! I looked at video of myself recently and I couldn't believe it-- I didn't think I looked that big. I guess in the mirror to me I can't always see it-- thats scary and so was the video. So I congratulate and support you on weight loss, but I am pretty sure 130 is going to make you boney. Ok I watch Biggest Loser(should I be embarressed- erin got me hooked- dang erin) and it encourages me to want to lose weight and work out and be healthy. It also makes me wonder how they can lose and I can't. But it is amazing how someone will go from 300lbs to just under 200 lbs and I think they look so amazing- much skinnier than I think someone weighing that much should look. So my point-- healthy is good and a reasonable weight we should be happy with, we all have so much going on! So with that said- I'm in for 10 pounds off- I believe then I will be at a reasonable weight. We'll see if I post it... I'm not as good at blogging as I am commenting!

Liza said...

are you all laughing at how long my comment was! I am...

Christene said...

Kariann, I couldn't keep up with you if my life depended on it, so don't be so hard on yourself! I understand, though. My roommate came to check on me,(I injured my head ice skating, go me!) and I was sobbing over what I haven't accomplished in my life. I think the most important thing is that we get back up and try again. You are amazing and you don't even realize it. You are an encourager, a true friend, sympathetic,and sincere and while you (like all the rest of us) have your moments of weakness, you come back stronger than ever (maybe in a different way than you were anticipating), and I'm proud of you! I may be selfish(my goal to overcome in the new year), but in a way, it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels behind on what I set out to do. I found out that I won't be able to go to school again for another year. If I make it to thirty alive with a degree it will be a miracle and I don't have the family to take care of as you do. I know that doesn't make it much easier, but I empathize with your frusteration. I love you!