Saturday, December 8, 2007

You Must Not Know 'Bout Me

Beyonce's Irreplaceable. I could listen to this song on repeat for hours (and I do). It got me through my graduate school application and many late night study sessions. The song's about a girl who kicks her boyfriend out by saying,

You must not know 'bout me, You must not know 'bout me, I could have another you by tomorrow, So don't you ever for a second get to thinkin', You're irreplaceable.

Once again, I was inspired by words that I created:

Baby I won't shed a tear for you, I'll lose the weight you see, 'Cause the truth of the matter is, Replacing you is so easy.

I'm not kicking out my boyfriend (I happen to LOVE the one I'm with), I'm kicking out my old self. That's right old me -- I'll have another me by tomorrow, in fact, she'll be here in a minute. So, Go ahead and get gone...You can pack all your bags we're finished.

So there.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Junk in the...

...inflated side air bags??

I certainly have junk, but it's definitely not in the trunk! The only time I had booty was when I was doing step aerobics a few years ago at the YMCA and the only reason I know this is because Brady told me. (With a lifetime of flat booty, there really was no reason to look back there). It made me feel really good that he noticed something I hadn't already pointed out to him. This is just one reason I love my husband.

My junk is definitely in my thighs. This is why looking in a full-length mirror is so essential for me. At this weight, I pretty much look big all over, but my thighs are my biggest problem area. I've got tree trunk legs and an excess of arm fat, but when I want to see results I look to my thighs.

This is why I have decided to chronicle this experience with full-body pics, thighs and all (starting next year, of course). This may sound a bit crazy, but I don't want to reach my goal and wonder what the difference is -- I want to see it!

Which brings me to the secret junk stash in my head. This is the junk that is so devastating to me. As a perfectionist, I can be so critical of myself. Rarely does someone point out a flaw in myself that I haven't already battled.

So, to start the new year (it is almost 2008, you know) I'm gonna de-junk -- my thighs and my head. Although I am 30 as of one week ago, I think my body still has it in her to be healthy. I am confident that with a good diet and exercise I will be at my goal sometime in April. After that, it's maintenance, baby. (Did I just say maintenance and then BABY? Hmmmmm...).

As for my inner junk, I hope that gets thrown out the window on the highway driving really fast, never to be seen again. In fact, I think I see something in my rear view mirror right now.

How about you? Got junk??

Thursday, December 6, 2007

She's Porkin' Away

Another Pearl Jam inspired title. (I couldn't help it. I've been listening to music while I run and they seem to come up frequently when my computer shuffles). It's really from a Neil Young song (thanks, Caroline), Keep on Rockin' in the Free World, but on Pearl Jam's Live on Two Legs album they play into it at the end of the song, Daughter.

Now here's something funny: I thought the words were, "She's porkin' away, She's gonna get ahead, She hates her life and what she's done with it, That's one more kid that will never go to school, Never get to fall in love, Never get to be cool." However, when I checked online tonight I found these words instead, "Now she puts the kid away, And she's gone to get a hit, She hates her life, And what she's done to it, There's one more kid that will never go to school, Never get to fall in love, Never get to be cool." Talk about Freudian error...

Last night I decided to get a head start on our Christmas gifts. We're assembling our traditional goodie jars as a family on Saturday, and I needed to prepare some things earlier. This year, we're making Cinnamon-Sugared Nuts (very delicious as reported by my husband and sister today). Ten batches of warm, sugar nuts, which are a personal weakness of mine, at one o'clock in the morning. Not my best idea ever.

The song hit a second nerve today when I got a letter in the mail from FGCU (my former graduate school) congratulating me on my full tuition award for next semester.

Bummer.

I called Brady after the initial shock, and none of the sadness, wore off. His reaction: Maybe you should just go. What?? Were you not just in crisis?? Then I remembered this reaction was coming from a guy who actually wears the free t-shirts they throw into a crowd at sporting events. (And not just around the house.) Truthfully, it was tough -- even for me. I practically lick my kids' plates after dinner, how could I throw away free education?

My decision to apply to graduate school was not planned. I was actually looking for a job on FGCU's campus in the Counseling Department when I found a link to the Mental Health Counseling program. Everything seemed to fit what I needed and at the end of it all, I'd be doing something I loved, instead of working the graveyard shift at Target.

The prospect was met with mixed reviews... "Why don't you just be happy being a mom?" I thought about that one for some time. I was, and am, happy "just being a mom." But who really is just being a mom?

While my application came as a surprise to most people, it didn't to the people who really know me. I'm always doing things -- even I amaze myself sometimes. I also enjoy learning, especially about the inner complexities and dynamics of people and families. But (as always, it's a big one) I hate homework, all kinds. I don't even think kids should have to do it. That's why they go to school for six hours a day, right? Still, I loved the program, the professors, and even my crazier-than-me classmates.

Will the opportunity come again for me? I hope so. Until then, I'm just "one more kid who will never go to school."

And porkin' away.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Fade to...Black

When in doubt, quote the classic rock band, Pearl Jam.


All that I am...


1. A graduate school dropout. Yes, that's right. As of today I've officially terminated my enrollment in the Masters of Arts in Mental Health Counseling program. After a grueling semester, I realized that to take three more years of this was not in my, or my family's, best interest. I was okay with the workload, but not the stress load. The commitment weighed so heavily on me, I couldn't just shake it and relax. I know this may sound silly to some, but I no longer had the energy to make my kids' lunches and that REALLY bugged me. It was the little things I couldn't let go of.

After all that, I thought I'd feel a huge relief this morning. To my surprise, I'm REALLY sad. It was something I had started to dream about, and it bugs me that I couldn't get it together enough to continue. Sure other people (I'm not gonna name names, but his name starts with B- and ends in -rady) could have been a little more understanding, and I could have worked through my own issues as well, but I didn't see that happening in the next few months, and as much as they drive me crazy, I really do love my family.

So, I feel like a bit of a failure right now. But, for those of you who know me, I won't be down for long. I'm back to the things I missed the most -- momming, running, and shopping. And, thanks to Anna, my newest venture -- blogging.


2. A little fat. What a crazy year it's been. I went from big to small to the biggest I've ever been, and I didn't even have a baby this year! Earlier in the year I started a weight loss group called Girls with Goals, affectionately known as GG's, and was in the low 130's. At 5'7.25 I consider that pretty good (I used to be 5'7.75, but, thanks to a prayer for a taller husband, I'm shrinking!). It didn't last long, though, because the group ended, we put our house on the market, and I became obsessed with keeping our house in show condition. It was also the summer and I had all three girls (Kelsey 8, Genevieve 4, and Shelley 1) at home. It was a really rough summer, to say the least. Immediately after that, I started graduate school and it's been a whirlwind ever since. Hence, the fat.


3. Crazy. I don't think there's anything wrong with this one. My life certainly isn't dull.



All that I'll be...


1. I've always said that after I graduated I'd start scrapbooking. Well, I graduated from BYU last December and my time came and passed and it still didn't happen. While I think it's a lovely and enviable hobby, the draw just isn't there for me. First and foremost is probably the cost. (I think we can all admit it's gotten a little out of control). Secondly, I just don't have that kind of space. I mean, people devote entire rooms to it!

But, (and mine's a big one) this whole blogging things is ideal -- cost and space efficient. Perfect. I kept a journal growing up that most people will never see, which is probably a good thing considering how many different people I was going to marry. On a blog, you can not only share your journal with a crowd, but you get to peak at other people's, too. Cool.

So, here it is, my very own blog.


2. Skinny, again. Yup, I'm gonna whoop something big and make it small again. Starting next year (well, I can't start yet -- it's the holidays!!) I'll be counting calories and food journaling. I find that works well for me. I like mini goals so here goes: (1) be 155, (2) be in the 140's, (3) be in the 130's, (4) maintain 130-135. Secretly, I'd like to just be in the 120's for a minute or two, but I don't see myself realistically maintaining at that level.

As embarrassing as it is to admit my weight at this point, it is even more embarrassing to be fat and being accountable is a great way to stay motivated. I plan to weigh myself daily and blog my stats at least weekly. I may or may not include my food journal. That may just be too much for me. However, I've been toying with the idea of a photo log so I can see my progress and because I think blogs with pictures are cool. Me in a sports bra may not be so cool right now, but stay tuned boys and girls, it's gonna get hot in here!!


3. A running runner. Once as runner, always a runner -- just sometimes more (or less) of one. I like training for marathons (I've done 2 and trained for 4) because of the structure, goal, and variety. Besides, I can't get enough LSD!! I'll shoot for SLC in April (again), but after this year's last-minute cancellation, I'll be taking it one day at a time. December 17th starts the 18-week program, so I'll be reporting on that one, too.

4. Healthy. I wrote happy and then deleted it. I can't remember a time I was healthy and not happy, but I most certainly can be happy (if not just momentarily) and not healthy. Eating cookies makes me happy, but not healthy, so I'll take the latter.


Anyway, that's who I am and who I'll be (thanks, Eddie). My assessment session is complete. I hope you'll lurk around my blog and comment every now and then.

Happy blogging!